All right, All right. I'm back.
15 days until I'm 22.. bit scary but nevermind.
I've been really down lately.. it could be to do with the fact that I just finished my course at college and now have absolutely no idea what to do with myself... it could be the heat... or it could be that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that I'm completely useless and should be shot. I'm not entirely sure which. Then again it could be the fact that in a fortnight I am 22. My lucky number. I don't feel very lucky though to be honest..
Have you ever hated someone so much that whenever you hear their name you just want to punch something?
I didn't think that kind of hate could exist within me. I'm usually so forgiving and kind to everyone... But there is one person that brings out all of my anger into a cone of fire that I would just LOVE to scorch her flesh with. I don't know what to do about it. I wish that she would just disappear from my life so I don't have to face up to the fact that I am capable of such loathing.. but she knows the same people as me.. I can't escape her.. I'm just worried that one day I'll snap..
I guess I've just got to rise above it.. right? I know what she is. And one day, the truth will out. Everyone will wake up and see her facade.. and once the masquerade is lifted I will then rest in the knowledge that no one will be hurt by her actions again.
Instead of focusing my feelings into hatred I suppose I should really be pitying her. Afterall, if she has to manipulate people into liking her then obviously she isn't as better than me as she says.
How do you quantify "better"? How can you say that one person is better than another? Do you weigh up their actions, their thoughts, feelings? I think that Ego is the only thing that makes anyone better than anyone else. The bigger your Ego, the more self-important and single-minded you become. Therefore, in your mind at least, you are better than anyone and everyone. Along with those "qualities" comes pride.
Pride in itself isn't a bad thing. In small, regular doses it helps people to come to terms with their failures and vices. It lets them believe in themselves for a little. But with pride must come humility. Without it's Antonym, the former takes over. It consumes.
Pride swells selfishness and conceit into such big proportions that they take over entirely. And once you're engulfed by your own arrogance you become so important that you are better than anyone and begin to treat others with the same regard as a dog would treat it's fleas.
Me, well.. I'm the opposite.
I have such a low self-esteem that my Pride is all but diminished. I don't believe in myself and I don't hold anyone over me.. but I am unhappy with myself. Constantly beating myself up about things that aren't my fault and that I can't change. I become down-trodden by my own opinion of myself and have no energy or life left in me.
I guess I've worked out why I'm feeling down so much lately..
Thing is that I think that people are better than me, until they start to think it themselves. When she said to me "I am better than you" it showed me that her selfishness was clouding her judgement.. that she lives in her own world in which everything is revolving around her. She is the puppet master. Controlling things with manipulation, lies and cruelty.
People like her should be shot on sight.
~Leisha~
Miss any?..
Beginning - 12 October 2008
Loss of Innocence - 21 September 2006
Disturbing poem - 20 September 2006
I need to lighten up a bit.. - 14 September 2006
Treyz and shopping - 05 August 2006
